The Train Journey From Hell


Train rides. Normally an experience which I love; holding a rail card and travelling off-peak between Leeds & Manchester means that I normally indulge myself and spend the extra £1.90 and upgrade to 1st class. The reasons being for this are simple, I get a free paper, free drink (which in itself cost more than £1.90), get a reserved seat; and most importantly, can rest in the knowledge that there is a certain standard of ‘clientele’ that you expect to share your journey with. Oh how was I wrong!

As expected the train was 20 minutes late (thankyou First Transpennine Express), waiting till everyone had crammed onto coaches B and C, I leisurely took my seat in coach A; not at the same table but facing a man, who we shall call Bob.

First pet hate, Bob was on the phone. I can’t stand people who insist on talking on the phone for extraordinary lengths of time either that be on the bus, or train. I had no intention of wanting to listen to Bob’s one-sided conversation, let alone if it would turn the air blue; which I soon would discover would be the case.

Sitting down, I didn’t pay much attention of his first conversation or indeed his second, what did catch my attention was.

“When a dog doesn’t listen to you what do you do? You squirt water in its face, the same will be true for a kid that wont stop screaming, give it a go. *Long Pause* Told you it would work.”

That seemed to be it for Bob’s parenting tips, funnily enough I had never seen Super Nanny use that method, perhaps I shall write in and suggest it. The phone was promptly disconnected as we went through the tunnel to which brought me a sigh of relief. Not content with airing his discipline procedures with the entire carriage, he now wanted to give us all an insight to his personal life. I must warn you that if you are easily disturbed please stop reading here; as the stuff which I overheard would make even Jeremy Kyle consider early retirement.

“I’ve been with some dirty birds so ive been lucky that ive not caught anything. Mind you I cant have been that lucky ive got eight kids with five different mothers.”

“Turns out the last bird I was with had a kidney infection, and the same chemical they used to treat it *pause* chema *pause* chemi *longer pause* not to sure what, but the same chemical they used to treat it is the same drug they use to treat an STD. It cleans out all your tubes.”

Bare in mind that this is the edited version with the most graphic details being omitted. With the whole of 1st class now speechless, the penny dropped. It turns out that Bob had just been released from prison; hence the foul language, and assumption that he need not pay for a train ticket.

As you can see this train trip wasnt like any I have had previously, and to my disappointment there was not drinks trolley, which at first I was gutted over, but having heard what came next, I thanked my lucky starts.

“Dont be daft, ive not had anything to drink. Ive had one can of Relentless and thats it. Normally they have some ‘dolly bird’ handing out overpriced beer. Last time I paid over £4 for a can of Stella, they rob you blind”

Part of me wanted to say “yeh you would know all about robbing people blind” but thought that comment even though humorous wouldn’t have been interpreted as such by someone with limited IQ. However to be fair Bob’s friends didn’t seem to be much brighter. Another call provided this evidence.

“If I lose you its cause im going through a tunnel *long long pause*, you know a big hole thing that goes through a mountain!”

Thankfully Bob doesn’t live in Manchester as he had to get a connecting train to somewhere else, however I cant help but think after this experience that some of man kind are able to do incredible things, design space ships, write blog posts and may even cure cancer; however others really haven’t evolved much from neanderthals, how can this be?

The train, a mode of transport allowing you to get from A to B; but also a method of discovering what neanderthal man was like.

The train, a mode of transport allowing you to get from A to B; but also a method of discovering what neanderthal man was like.