Tag Archives : Humour

My Room 101 Items

Following on from the relaunch of the BBC program ‘Room 101’, the program which the celebrities are invited to put things which annoy them into this room to be banished forever, I thought I would like to create a shortlist of things which I would put into the room, if I were ever invited onto the show.   Alcohol We have all been there, we have all had far too many drinks and some of us have even wanted to become best friends with the lamppost. Putting all alcohol into room 101 is perhaps a little too far, and perhaps should put in cheap alcohol that is drunk to excess every week across the UK by many. The drinking culture that we have in the UK, which is unlike that of any other culture in Europe is perhaps best kept for another blog post; however once the copious amounts of alcohol has been drunk, the NHS and therefore tax payer are often forced to pick up the bill for those who require a stomach pump or night in the cells. Hundreds of millions of pounds are used to mop up the streets and protect innocent members of the public from alcohol infused incidents, and with the prices of alcohol getting cheaper and cheaper the money that could be used to fund education, better public transport and shorter waiting times in the NHS are instead being used on the people who’s idea of fun is going out, getting completely smashed, starting a fight before occupying a NHS bed for the night.   Umbrellas What on earth could be wrong with umbrellas, after all they keep us dry when it rains? Well there are two main bugbears with umbrellas that I have, firstly the quality and secondly the user interaction some have with them. Lets first take the quality. You get super tough ones that are able to withstand force nine gales however are unable to withstand the British weather – how can this be so? Over the past few months we have been quite lucky in Manchester not to have rain as much as we are used to, and my umbrella looks deductively at me by not being used, and to be honest I would love to use him, however guaranteed that the moment he steps foot outside the house, he will turn inside out and ruin my life by making me look ridiculous as I struggle to put it the right way. Secondly people who use them. These fall into two camps and you know who they are. The first camp are the people who walk as bold as brass down the street with their brolly open even tho their is not a drop of rain in the sky. It is almost as if they are practising for the high wire at the circus just wanting to practice holding it. Yes the rain my make your hair wet, but there is no rain, so you don’t need it open! The second of the two camps are those who have MASSIVE umbrellas. The ones I’m talking about are the golf umbrellas that you can fit a family of four under, perfect for a natural disaster area where that said family of fours home has been destroyed by a tsunami, they are not however suited to walking down the street. Pavements in the UK are able to support two lanes of traffic, perhaps three on a good day; and what we do not need are these lanes of pedestrian based highway to be congested with a large umbrella that has been half turned inside out which shouldn’t have been opened in the first place as there was no rain!   Computerised Telephones What was wrong with humans answering the phones? Oh I know, they were too expensive, so instead companies who make billions in profit decide that they would spend serious money on a computer system that efficiently deals with your calls, putting you through to the correct department to be quickly death with. Well if it were like that, I wouldn’t have a problem- yes the fact that the call has been made that much more impersonal, but I would be dealt with quickly. Instead we have two options, the first of which is the ‘intelligent’ computer system; one that you can talk to normally and it attempts to figure out what you are saying. Well it doesn’t, you spend five minutes telling it that you want to speak to customer service, only to be told that you are going to be transferred to the accounting department. Accounting department doesn’t sound like customer service at all, its totally different – so how can it make such a mistake? The second option you could get is the ‘non intelligent’ computer system; the one where you have to “select the following option” from your keypad. If it were between a handful of options I could deal with that. I like to think that I have a relatively good short term memory, however I defy anyone to remember 9 option choices, it becomes a test of memory, its almost as if you can’t speak to a representative unless you have an IQ of over 110 and can remember 9 things inside out. If a person answered the phone, I would remain calm, get to speak to whom I wanted to, and all would be well in the world.   Smokers Perhaps the most controversial on my list for room 101 items. Firstly lets tackle the issue of smokers rights, yes you do have rights, you are an ordinary citizen of the community apart from you want to smoke. I can live with that, I can almost live with the fact that huge amount of NHS resources are dedicated to smoking related illnesses as this is contracted by the tax and duty that is paid on cigarettes (although smoking outside hospitals still baffles me), what really gets my goat is where smokers smoke. Picture this, […]

The Great British Builders Dictionary 1

Having the builders in to do work is never pleasant, the majority of them don’t clean up after themselves, drink all your tea, and drag the job out as long as possible to make more money. When I returned to my house in Manchester after the Christmas holiday the wall in the garden had collapsed, no one was hurt and the landlord was very good and had organized builders to come round during the holidays to begin rebuilding it. Ive had past experiences with builders many years ago when we had an extension on our house, however rather than the building trade maturing, they seem to have got worse. So in order to help those who are new to builders understand what they say, compared to what they mean. Here is a dictionary I complied whilst I waited like Hadrian to have my wall rebuilt. “Ill be here around 8:00, is that ok?” Means “Provided my dad doesn’t die again, gear stick come off again, dog get run over by a car again ill be here by 8:00. But they cause any problems ill be here by 11:30.” “Its a simple job that love” Means “I should know what to do, but if not ive got a mate who I can ring and can Google ‘How to build a wall’.” “Shouldnt take more than two days” Means “If I arrive when I say I am going to, dont mess around on my phone, reading the newspaper and trying to fill in the crossword it may take double that. But lets be realistic, I am so its going to take 6 days plus.” “Its a two man job” Means “If I wanted it done properly and safely I should have a four man team, however I dont have enough boys as they are busy ripping off one of your neighbors further down the street.” “We couldn’t trouble you for a cuppa tea could we love?” Means “Ive been working so hard on this crossword my brain is over heating, I need a break.” “The weather is no good for this kind of construction love, it simply ruins the work we do” Means “I dont wanna get wet and cold and ruin my hair, id rather stay in the van and read the Daily Sport.” “I just gotta pop off and get some more materials.” Means “I have all the materials I need in the back of my van, I just want an excuse to go for a walk about so I can delay working.” “I need part of the money for the job up front so I can buy materials.” Means “My holiday for the wife and I needs paying off tomorrow.”  

The Birth Of A New… Timetable 1

We were told early January, then week commencing 11th January, then we told towards the end of the week and finally 18th Jan at 13:00. As that deadline passes I start to pace up and down the room, the clock moves slower and slower. Quarter-past, then half-past. I enquire as to what the situation is and im told any minute now. Twenty-to, quarter-to, still no news. By the time it actually appeared over week after were originally told, I had been on such an emotional roller-coaster I felt emotionally drained. Sadly this isn’t a story about an overdue baby, it’s about its spotty youth of a brother and how it never returned home at curfew time as expected. This ladies and gentlemen is the story of the dreaded, despicable UNIVERSITY TIMETABLES!!! Universities; a brilliant place for education, you walk in an unorganised youth unsure how to pay bills, manage your time or indeed stand on your own two feet; emerging three years later in over £20K worth of debt from tuition fees, working 9-5 and sitting behind a desk for a living. However the one thing that you did learn at university was organisation – how to mange your time effectively. Of course we would all be lying if we said that we never left a single essay to the last-minute; after all how would we then experience the Red Bull, Pro-Plus, caffeine induced ‘all nighter’ that we heard about from our parents days? This then begs the question, why are people who have graduated from University, work in university and are old enough to have kids themselves in university some of the most unorganised people which this planet does house? Its simple, you take a piece of paper divide it up into five rows (one for each day of the week) and then several coulombs each an hour in length, add some classes some teachers and you have yourself a timetable. If you want to be really adventurous you can have computer software even help you, working out all the best possible combinations of which rooms will be best suited and which have no chairs, desks or floors and therefore should be avoided at all costs. This timetable should then be kept safe and used as the basis for all future timetables with little tweaks being made as class sizes change; but alas it never seems to be that way. Things need to be made ‘fresh and new’ which begs the questions are we baking a cake or building a timetable? Problems that arise are solved, then rear their ugly head again, each time pushing back the release date of our timetables and tutorial booking or worse – changing it completely! I wouldn’t mind if this year was a one-off, but sadly it isn’t it’s happened three times now. If this was my friend booking the wrong cinema time, I could forgive him. If this was my family missing my birthday, after a lot of arguments, screaming and shouting I could forgive them. However these two example have something in common, im not paying for them and mistakes like these are unlikely to be made again. When your paying over three thousand pounds for tuition, getting your timetable is pretty much vital to the whole proposition of being educated. After all the clue is in the title ‘time-table’ IE it should be on time! I suppose my simily of a youth is quite accurate. Just like a youth, university timetables are late, never say what they mean, constantly change what they say and are highly expensive! After this, why would anyone want to be a parent for real?